Going, gone

Going, gone- Ellery

The farm, the cloud, the field and the plow
hear them softly sing
The snow falls deep and wide; see how it climbs up
by the old porch swing

Chimney smoke, over the oak tree
it was whispering-
It said, "Go, go go," we said, "Oh, oh oh -
the world is listening"

Ah ah, we found our warmest coats
Oh oh, you pulled your tall boots on
Ah ah, out in the winter snow
Oh oh, we're going, going gone

In the great gray clouds, rushing in and out
the sky is breathing deep
And all the trees far below with every breeze shake the snow
down to their frozen feet

Silver flakes halo our faces
we're all rose and shine
Two tracks wandering home, in a thundering snow
back to the fire and wine

Ah ah, we found our warmest coats
Oh oh, you pulled your tall boots on
Ah ah, out in the winter snow
Oh oh, we're going, going gone

Everything is singing in a great white dark and
Everything is shining like a thousand stars

Ah ah, we found our warmest coats
Oh oh, you pulled your tall boots on
Ah ah, out in the winter snow
Oh oh, we're going, going gone

Praise God from whom all blessing flow

I'm really happy. I just can't get over it. I think when you've felt horrible for such a long period of time, when you are finally happy again- it's amplified even more.

I haven't been this happy in a long time, maybe ever. That might seem extreme, and perhaps it is- but I just feel so great.

I still think its a dream though. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me. For the rug to get pulled out from under my feet. I'm happy and excited, but still somewhat doubtful, because I'e become used to disappointment. Maybe I should just let myself be happy and enjoy this.

I am so thankful that God gives me these blessings in my life. Its amazing how when you think you're life can't get any worse, He has something better in store for you. I'm so glad I can finally see clearly now.

Thank you God. For the people in my life- family and friends, the way You provide, and the blessings You give me constantly even though I don't deserve them. Thank You for showing me what I need and what I don't need. Thank You for reminding me how special I am and how amazing You are. Thank You God for giving me life.

Alright.

Things I want in a guy:

-A guy who not only loves the Lord, but actually lives his faith out everyday.

-Honesty.

-Respect.

-Someone who will make me laugh.

-Someone who loves music at least as much as I do, and is at least as dorky about it as I am.

-A guy who is there for me- the good days and the bad.

-A guy who cares what I have to say.

-Someone who thinks I'm beautiful, tells me I'm beautiful, and makes me feel beautiful.

-A guy who treats me like I am the most precious thing in his life.

-Someone who constantly has talks with me to make sure we're on the same page.

-Someone who not only cares about me, but cares about others.

-Someone who gives me encouraging hugs or pats on the shoulder when I need them.

-A guy I can have serious conversations about one minute, and then act like a complete idiot with the next.

-A guy who, more than anything, wants to protect me.

-Someone who wants to make me happy.

-A guy who thinks I'm wonderful even when I don't think so.

-A guy who thinks I'm smart and funny.

-Someone who I can feel comfortable and open with 24/7.

-Someone who shares the same important values as me.

-A guy who wants to spend time with me whether its a 4 hour walk, or 5 minutes at lunch.

-A guy who will be whatever I need him to be. Even if its just being a friend.

-A guy who is patient, and puts my needs above his own.

-A guy who my friends like, and even desire me to be with.

-A guy who is kind and considerate and will send me a message or call me to tell me he hopes I have a great day.

-A guy who wants to do the right thing.

-A guy who treats women respectfully.

-A guy who is really mature, but also knows when to be silly.

-A guy who makes me feel like its not only ok to be me, but that its awesome for me to be me.

-A guy who would do anything for me, even if there's nothing for him in return.

-A guy that wants God to be at the center of any relationship.

-Someone who what he says and what he does are the same thing.

-A guy who I can see myself being happy with. A guy that I can see myself being with forever someday. A guy that I feel good being with. A guy that God wants me to be with. A guy who can be my best friend.

A lot to ask? Maybe. But its what I want. What I hope to have someday...

...and I might just have found a guy exactly like this.

Don't freak out people. I will keep you posted :)

For the first time in three and a half months, I am ok. I am actually ok.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on right now, but wow...Thank you, God. I am happy.

not better. not worse. just different

I think I'm beginning to accept how my life is going right now. Yes, I miss the way things used to be (sometimes more than I can bear), but I can't live in the past forever. It won't make my present or my future any better.

The thing is- I feel good when I'm with my friends, enjoying my life, living for God, etc. I feel like crap when I dwell on the past, get depressed, and spending too much time thinking about someone who has chosen not to be a part of my life anymore. So logically, I should go with the first thing. Its just hard when you have to let go of something you swore you'd never let go.

But all I know is right now I have the most amazing friends who make me feel like I'm awesome and important even when I don't think so. The kind of friends who want me to go stargazing with them just so that they can talk to me about something thats on their mind. The kind that invite me to go on a walk just to hang out for a bit and then it ends up being a four hour walk that lasts till 2 in the morning. The kind that understand what I'm going through and are willing to be patient with me.

I also know that I serve an incredible God who gets me through all of this crap. And not just "gets me through" it, but allows me to pass with flying colors.

So my life is not perfect. My life is not better than it was four months ago. But it isn't worse either. It's just different. And that's ok with me.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence. (GWT)

Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new. (CEV)

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (NLT)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (NIV)

Music for the day (not a song thats from a Christian perspective, but its still pretty fantastic): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TaxO18KOaU

Live for God- DUH!

So...its been a while. Some things have changed, some have not. Some days I'm fantastic while others, I just want to disappear. I'm still not completely happy with where I am in life. I know that changes needed to be made, even though they were painful and difficult. Some days I wish I could go back to how things were or change them now so that I could be really happy again. I've found that the happy feelings I get from having a great day, laughing with my friends, or having a really good time and conversation with someone don't always cut it. It doesn't last, it doesn't fill that hole inside of me. I mean, it helps for sure- and I'm sure that God gives me those things as a sign of his love for me. But I keep realizing that I can't live for those things. In the midst of the happiness, joy and contentment- I can't live for those things. In the midst of sorrow, pain, and depression- I can't live for those things.

So what do I live for when those things don't satisfy? God. What do I live for when all the world seems to be against me. God. What do I live for when I don't know where to turn anymore? GOD.

When I'm tired and every class is a stuggle. Live for God.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything in my life. Live for God.

When I'm disappointed by the ones I hold in high regard. Live for God.

When I feel like I've let someone down and that I'm a bad friend. Live for God.

When I feel like I'm failing at being the person I want to be. Live for God.

When my friends don't make me as happy as I think they should. Live for God.

When I'm scared by the new things in my life that are probably good for me and want to cling on to the old stuff that will only bring me down. Live for God.

When I just don't things are going to work out- ever. live for God.

When I see someone I love but know I can never be with; maybe never even speak with again. Live for God.

When I feel like I can't trust myself or the others around me. Live for God.

When the things that give me a high don't last. Live for God.

When I am discontented with the world and doubt everything around me. Live for God.

When I feel alone. Live for God.

When all else fails. LIVE FOR GOD!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

as far as the eye can see. as deep as the heart can be

So I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Let's just say I'm kind of struggling with it right now. Struggling to forgive someone who hurt me. Someone by who I by no means hate, in fact I still love them. But someone who I am deeply angry with and have found myself thinking "I'm never going to be able to forgive you."

I know that as Christian we need to forgive others, just as God forgives us. I mean, think about it: God sent his only Son, Jesus to be sacrificed on a cross for us. That was his way of not only saving, but also forgiving us. Even after all of the things the people on this earth have done and are continuing to do, Jesus dies on a cross to forgive us. Everything we genuinely ask forgiveness of him, he gives it without a second thought. Shouldn't we be able to do the same? Maybe its because we're human.

Anyways, I just don't know how to go about this. I know I should forgive. I also know that forgiveness is a process, it takes time. Until you really let go, its a daily decision to forgive someone who wronged you. I know its the right thing to do, I know its what God wants us to do. Don't get me wrong, I want to forgive. But I don't feel like it. I don't feel like I'm being honest if I say I've forgiven this person, because in my heart, I'm still really angry with them. But it really scares me when I think to myself that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them.

I know that this is part of the reason I've been feeling low. Having anger and resentment towards someone (especially someone you really care about) is a heavy burden. I know that forgiveness is the way to go. It allows us to let go. Its also a way of showing love. Really, one of the ultimate ways of showing love. But how can I let this go? I can't just make it go away just like that. I also want to forgive wholeheartedly. I don't want to just say words, I want to believe in what I'm doing. It has to be real. But what if the person you're angry with hasn't even asked to be forgiven? What if they don't even think they've done anything wrong, even though its been pointed out to them? Forgiving someone who wants to be forgiven is one thing. But forgiving someone who hasn't asked for it? How do you do that?

So for anyone who actually reads my blog: what does forgiveness mean to you? How do you truly forgive someone? What do you think?

Good stuff to look at:

1 John 3:9-12

Anyone who says he is walking in the light of Christ but dislikes his fellow man, is still in darkness. But whoever loves his fellow man is 'walking in light' and can see his way without stumbling around in darkness and sin. For he who dislikes his brother is wandering in spiritual darkness and doesn't know where he is going, for the darkness has made him blind so that he cannot see the way. I am writing these things to all of you, my little children, because your sins have been forgiven in the name of Jesus our Savior.

http://www.christianity.co.nz/forgive.htm

i can see it in your eyes...

So here's my interesting story for the day. At Panera Bread, I am required to wear a name tag. Last summer, I made a Harry Potter one. I made it to wear the day the new movie came out in theaters (I'm a dork I know). I drew it by hand myself. I drew Harry in the bottom right hand corner and wrote my name in the same font that is used for the title of the books. It's pretty sweet if I do say so myself. So I kept it, and continue to wear it at work. I get comments on it quite a bit form kids and adults alike. They compliment me on my drawing skillz or they ask me if I like Harry Potter (well duh I do!); I've had some fun conversations with the costumers because of it. Well a couple days ago, I had a group (a woman, and two men) ask me about it. It went something like this:

Woman: "Is that supposed to be you?"
(me and the guys laugh)
Younger guy: "No, its Harry Potter!"
Me: "Yeah."
Younger guy: "I love Harry Potter."
Me: "Yeah, me too!"
Younger guy: "But I got frustrated with it. Fantasy always gets me annoyed. Its so good. But its not real."
Me: "Yeah, I hate that too."
Younger guy: "But God is real. And I'm glad of that."
Me: "That's right, Amen!"
(younger guys holds out his hand so that I can shake it)
Younger guy: "And when I get to heaven and see Jesus, well it'll be a whole lot better than that fantasy stuff."
Me: "Yep, that's absolutely right!"
(we finish the conversation, and I think to myself: well that was cool. About five minutes later, the older guy comes back)
Older guy: "When he started talking about God, you responded very quickly. Are you a believer?"
Me: "Yes, I am."
Older guy: "That's great...I thought you were, I could see it in your eyes."

Whoa. You could see it in my eyes? I've heard of actions speaking louder than words, but being able to see what a person believes just by looking at them? I guess this is what people mean by wearing their hearts on their sleeve. This guy could tell I was a follower of God just by the way I behaved and by something in my eyes. Incredible. It reminded me of the bible verse: "You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?...Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions." (Matthew 7:16 and 20 NLT) To me this says we really need to be mindful of the way we act. Even though you should take time and get to know someone before you make judgements, you are always judged and judge right away when you meet someone.

This also reminded me of another quote. But not from the Bible. From the film Batman Begins. There's a part of the movie where Bruce Wayne is kind of putting on an act so that people won't suspect him of being Batman. So he relishes in his millionaire lifestyle- buying lots of fancy cars, dating multiple women, going to swanky places and making small talk with other wealthy people, and of course spending lots of money. His attitude is very couldn't-care-less, rude, and rather conceited. When he runs into his childhood friend, Rachel she chides him for acting like this when there are important issues to be worrying about. Bruce tries to tell her that this act isn't who he really is: "Rachel, all of...all this...It's... it's not me. It's...inside, I am...I am more." Rachel responds: "Bruce...deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath...it's what you do that defines you."

Powerful stuff. The thing is, we can say we believe in God. We can even be on fire for him in our hearts. But if we're not doing anything to show that, then its all a waste. This also reminded me of a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrY1-gPM0KY.

Even though we are saved through grace and not through our "good deeds", you can't have faith without action. But you can't have action without faith either. They go together. I know that when I know someone who says they love God and they want to live for them but then do something that doesn't back that up, I question if they really believe what they say they believe.

The thing that really got me about what happened at work was the fact that this guy could tell I was a believer by the way I acted. But I must confess, that many times I don't act like a christian at all. My behavior is not always very Christ-like. I know I need to be living for Jesus, but I often don't. Some days I'm just living to get by. I don't even know how this guy saw that I was a God follower- I mean, I was at work, probably looking miserable and bored out of my mind. But just the little things- agreeing about what his friend had to say about God, being enthusiastic about it, and something "in my eyes" told him all he needed to know. That's the thing, we don't need to have a big show and be up on stage and say "Hey! I believe in God!" Someone once said that when all the world is screaming, the way to get noticed is to whisper.

So remember. Be conscious of how you act and present yourself. Whats in your heart is extremely important, but if your not living it (and I use living as a verb- because a verb is something you do) than its pointless. People can't always see whats inside- you will be judged according to how you act. Wear your heart on your sleeve."It's not who you are underneath, its what you do that defines you." Remember that. Because someone could be watching.

ello world!

I actually already had a blogspot for a little while but I didn't really use it. This is mostly for my friends who want to know how I'm doing beyond Facebook. I have a Xanga as well, but honestly no one really uses that anymore. Xanga is pretty much just a family thing, so I decided to start this blog for well...me. But also for my friends. I'm not expecting anyone to keep up with this, but I thought that it could be fun. I was also kind of inspired by my friends, Nate and Brent who started their own blogs this summer. My posts will probably be short, unless I decide to go on some kind of rant...like how no one in Washington, PA can say 'tortilla' correctly. What is up with that? And they make it more difficult for themselves than they need to. They say it literally as 'tor-tilla' or they say it like 'tor-ta-lini', which is something totally different, or they just get stuck at the 'T'. I mean, come on. How hard is it to say tortilla?

This is what I mean by a random rant. Totally pointless, but hey- I feel a lot better now! Anywho, this is my blog. Read it if you wish (or if you dare). It's just me. So deal with it. :)